All my life I have wanted to be a mother. No matter what other things I wanted to do in life- being a mother was always the one things I strived for. In college I had so much difficulty choosing what path I wanted to take and still don't know what I want to do! One thing was for sure though, I wanted to have babies.
Jacob always knew my desire to have children, especially because I wanted them pronto. If I had had my way we would have started trying around 20. Thankfully life had other plans and we were at the perfect place when Soren decided it was time to join us.
To appease my desire to bear children I have always worked with children in one form or another. Mostly I have worked as a nanny but even when I held other jobs I was still babysitting and hanging out with little ones. Because of this I have a lot of experience with kids. The first mama I nannied for had her third child while I was working with them. I came into the house on a cool September morning to find the whole family in bed with midwives and birth assistants running around. Little Lucca was laying in his mother's arms, cone-headed, purple and new. It was a beautiful sight to behold and made my bond with the family so incredibly strong.
First let me say I have always known that working with children and going home at night to sleep in your own bed is very different from being a parent. But when I got pregnant, and when we were trying, I always knew that I had a leg up from other first time moms. I knew what a baby's poop should look like, I knew not to be concerned about how much a little one slept- or didn't sleep- and I knew that as long as I could stay relaxed then my baby would be in a good place.
So then I had Soren.
At first it was easy. He ate and slept and didn't do much else. I felt emotional the first week but was mostly spared from the "baby blues" and that helped a lot. Some women are not so lucky. I embraced my postpartum body and felt overjoyed in the ability my body had to provide all the nutrients Soren needed to grow. He latched well, he slept well, he was a very happy baby.
Jacob went back to work after two weeks rather than three. We decided that I was fine at home and we were kind of bored anyway so why not? This is when motherhood became a reality. I was feeling better in my body and was healing well (I had a 2nd degree tear) so I started doing more around the house. When I was doing things around the house I wasn't holding Soren. I felt bad, like I was denying him time with me, and looking back I wish I would have held him every second. People always say "the house can wait" and I wish I would have listened. Now that he's getting bigger I wish I would have appreciated every yawn, every gassy smile, every eye roll.
That's where it gets tricky. Even writing the above words I feel like I did what I could. I felt like keeping the house up, it felt good to be able to clean. Is it wrong that I wanted things to look nice? Is it wrong that I didn't spend every second with my child in my arms?
I know they grow up fast- I've seen it right in front of my eyes. One day Lucca was a chunky little fella gnawing on sticks of butter and now he's running around France and starting Kindergarten. I should be appreciating every moment. Heck, even this moment right now. Soren is crashed out on the couch sleeping and I feel like I should be there holding his tiny body close to mine.
But I'm a person too. I need my time and I need my rituals and my comforts too. I need to run to the bathroom before feeding him while he's laying on the floor screaming because I need to pee. He will be okay. He will survive. And sometimes I feel like I'm losing my mind being home with him all day. I feel like I should just let him cry, let him be upset because I'm upset too. I want another person to talk to, I want someone to share in my experience all day. And I will soon. I'm going back to work next week so I will have my almost 4-year-old, Brady and he will make me laugh and we will share in many experiences. It will be easier to get out of the house and go do things, because with kids you have to or you will go bonkers.
Everyone is different. Every mother is different. Every child is different. You may think that it's awful that I let him cry or that I'm not holding him while he's sleeping and that's fine. You parent how you want, I won't judge you. But I also probably won't listen to your reasoning and take your advice because Soren and I are figuring out things as we go. And I have expectations, more than the average mom probably does because I have been around children so much. It's going to be really hard to let go of those expectations as we grow and learn with one another.
Being a mother is hard- in ways I didn't imagine. I'm not like the first-time mom who worries about every bowel movement or cold (which Soren has right now and is doing fine). But I do worry about appreciating everything enough. I worry about living in the moment. I worry about remembering. I worry that I should probably get my ass off the computer and stop writing this so I can take in this time with my son. But there are other mom's out there who need to know that they aren't the only ones worry about these things. You aren't the only one afraid that your baby will grow up to fast and you'll forget how tiny his toes were, or how sweet those first yawns were.
We will remember. Nature wants us to remember so that we want more babies. That's how evolution works, we'll see a baby one day and reminisce about when our little one was tiny and bam- next thing you know we're pregnant again.
What I want to say is I thought I knew a lot about motherhood and parenting and it still surprised me. It's gritty and it's hard but there are so many rewarding moments and so many times that I will remember. And I may not appreciate every moment. I may think "Crap this sucks right now" but that's okay, because it does. But in 5 minutes when Soren finally falls asleep on my shoulder everything will be wonderful again.
And there are so many times that I will remember. Like the love Soren has for his ceiling fan- he wakes up every morning and stares up at it with a big goofy grin on his face. Also when he falls asleep nursing and his eyes roll back and don't close all the way and he does a sort of half-smile with the nipple halfway in his mouth still. And when he is about to cry he gets the most awfully sad "tea-cup" lip in the world that I just want to kiss and I want to squeeze him so that he doesn't feel sad anymore.
It's those little moments that make being a mother so wonderful.
